Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
That’s not how days work.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.