That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.