Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.