“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
#ParentingFacts
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I need better friends
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
moms in horror movies
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.