I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
😏😏😏
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*