Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
🙂🙃🥹
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.