Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.