I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.