[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I am all good here, 😂😉
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.