Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.