It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.