Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The Book. The Movie.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”