I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
*cough*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Somebody call the cops.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
craving $300 all of a sudden
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.