Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
The Punning Dead.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”