There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Cheer up.