Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.