I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
You Might Also Like
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.