Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Hamburger Hinderer.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??