I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
.. do you even science?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!