Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Actually cracking up @ this
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face