*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.