*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I put the h in mysterious.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell