Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!