Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You Might Also Like
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Anime is real
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…