Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*watches the world burn*
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”