[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.