I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
a public service announcement
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE