I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?