Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*