Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.