“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
*limbos under the caution tape
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT