GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.