How do you milk an almond?
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
And now we wait
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.