Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
it’s finally my moment to shine
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that