I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
this post was so formative to me
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.