My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.