Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.