Tell me you get it…🤣
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna