I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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Hot hot hot 🥵
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)