It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You learn something every day
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.