Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
guilty
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs