Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
How times have changed.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?