Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The Assassin.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?