[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
You Might Also Like
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
How to find Kentucky on a map
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.