[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it