I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this