*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns