Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’m putting together a team
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder