What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.