Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
🏙👨🏼
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what